How this toxic relationship quiz works
Instead of asking whether your relationship “is toxic,” the quiz asks what actually happens: what your partner does, how you feel, what changed in your life. Each question is about a behavior you can observe, and you say how often it happens.
The 14 questions cover ten areas of a healthy or unhealthy relationship: respect, control, communication, guilt-tripping, feeling safe to speak up, your boundaries, isolation, the hot-and-cold cycle, who puts in the effort, and whether words match actions. The last question is about fear: it counts double, because being afraid of your partner is never a small thing.
How to read your score
The score goes from 0 to 100. It shows how much room concerning behaviors take up in your answers, not what your relationship or your partner is worth.
- 0 to 24Few concerning behaviorsThe basics (respect, freedom, being able to talk) seem to be there.
- 25 to 49A few red flags to watchPoints of tension that often show which way the relationship is heading.
- 50 to 74Several concerning behaviorsA pattern is forming and is worth understanding before it settles in.
- 75 to 100Many concerning behaviorsSignals to take seriously, ideally with someone you trust.
The number isn’t the most useful part: the breakdown under your score is. It picks up your strongest answers and explains why they matter.
12 signs of a toxic relationship
These are the signs that come up most often when a relationship turns toxic. None of them is enough on its own; several, repeated for months, make a pattern.
- You walk on eggshells: you weigh every word to avoid a reaction.
- You apologize all the time, even when you’re the one who got hurt.
- Your time is monitored: where you go, who you see, your phone, your spending.
- Your friends drift away, because seeing them starts fights.
- Criticism turns into mockery, in private or in front of others.
- You doubt your memory when your partner denies what happened: that’s gaslighting.
- Hot and cold: love bombing and big declarations, then distance or silence.
- Promises change nothing: apologies, then the same behavior.
- Your boundaries come with a price: saying no means sulking, blame or threats.
- You carry the relationship: the effort, the compromises, the making up.
- You don’t recognize yourself: less confident, more anxious than before.
- You’ve been afraid of how your partner would react: that’s the sign that matters most.
Toxic relationship or normal fight?
A “normal” fight
A one-time disagreement where both of you can speak. You sometimes hurt each other, but you apologize and something changes. Nobody is afraid of the other.
A toxic pattern
The same fights keep happening, the same person always gives in, and apologies change nothing. You feel smaller after every argument.
So the real question isn’t “do we fight?” but “how do we fight, and who comes out of it hurt?” That’s exactly what the breakdown of your result helps you see.
Gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing: what they look like
Gaslighting
Things that happened get denied or twisted until you doubt your own memory: “I never said that,” “you’re too sensitive.”
Love bombing
An avalanche of attention, gifts and big plans very early, then a sudden drop once you’re hooked.
Breadcrumbing
Just enough attention to keep you there, never enough to build anything.
The silent treatment
Silence used as punishment, until you apologize for something you didn’t do.
These patterns often show up in texts before anywhere else. If you have your messages, the text message analyzer can show you where they appear, message by message.
Why it's so hard to see from the inside
Many toxic relationships follow a cycle: tension builds, there’s a blowup, then an intense making-up phase where everything feels perfect again. Those are the moments you remember, and they make you hope “it’ll get better.” Over time, the blowups come closer together and the good phases get shorter.
That’s also why an outside view helps: a friend, a therapist, or an analysis of your real texts, which shows the pattern where, from the inside, you only see separate episodes.
What this quiz can't do
This quiz is based on your point of view, at one moment in time. It doesn’t know your history, your partner’s side or the context. It doesn’t diagnose anything and doesn’t replace a licensed professional. If you feel unsafe, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and 911 come before any quiz.
After the quiz
- Write down facts, not impressionsDates, exact words, what happened. They’ll help you see clearly.
- Talk to someone you trustAn outside view helps you get out of “maybe I’m the problem.”
- Set one clear boundary, if it feels safeThen watch the reaction: it says more than any promise.
- Get your real situation analyzedNola reads your texts or listens to your story, and tells you what she sees, quotes included.
Torn between staying and leaving? The should I break up quiz picks up where this one stops.
Frequently asked questions
Can this quiz tell me if my relationship is toxic?
No, and no quiz honestly can. It measures how often specific behaviors show up (control, guilt-tripping, isolation, gaslighting, hot and cold) as you describe them. A high score means those behaviors come up a lot in your answers, not that a label applies to your relationship or your partner.
Is the toxic relationship quiz really free?
Yes. The quiz, the score and the detailed breakdown are free, with no sign-up and no email. Your score is calculated right in your browser.
What's the difference between a rough patch and a toxic relationship?
Every relationship goes through fights and hard stretches. What changes the nature of a relationship is the repetition of behaviors that make one person feel small: control, put-downs, guilt-tripping, isolation, fear. A one-time conflict gets talked through and resolved; a pattern keeps coming back no matter how many times you talk about it.
Am I in a toxic relationship, or is it me?
It's one of the most common questions people in toxic relationships ask, precisely because they've learned to blame themselves. Both partners can do hurtful things. But feeling constantly guilty, afraid or like you have to shrink yourself isn't proof that you're the problem; it's often a sign the relationship is out of balance. If you want to look at your own part honestly, take the “Am I the toxic one?” quiz.
My score is low but I still feel bad in my relationship. Is that normal?
Yes. The quiz covers common behaviors, not every situation. Feeling bad is worth listening to even with a low score: it can come from a lack of reciprocity, a deep disagreement, or something the questions don't cover.
Why could Nola's result be different from my score?
The quiz is based only on your answers to 14 questions. Nola analyzes your real situation: what you tell her, or your texts if you upload them. It's not the same data or the same depth, so the two results can differ without contradicting each other.
Can a toxic relationship become healthy again?
Sometimes, when both people acknowledge the problem and the behaviors change for good, not just for a few days after a fight. Apologies followed by the same behavior aren't change. If there's fear, threats or violence, your safety comes first, not fixing the relationship.
Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship?
Because these relationships often swing between intense highs and painful lows, and the highs keep hope alive. Add guilt, fear of being alone, distance from friends and family, and sometimes money or housing. It's not a lack of willpower: it's how these dynamics work.